New computer, New orders, Shattered Trust

So I know I said that I'd post something here weekly, but lately there has been too many negative things happening to me and I don't want to give the wrong idea that that is all I dwell on. My friend Taylor sent me a post on my facebook wall asking for new posts. Here was my reply:

"I go to my page, click new post, then just look at the blank vastness that is my blog/life. Being a mommy is awesome, but it doesn't make for good reading. The housewife shows lie. Being a housewife involves lots of showers missed, time spent in pjs, and pretend tea parties that my 8 month old doesn't grasp (when I give her a pretend sip out of the cup, she looks at me like "have you lost it? There's nothing in there.")"

After that, and upon many other happenings, my muse was back. So here's an update! Lorelei is now crawling all over the place! I had to rearrange the furniture so I can block her in the "play area" when I need to. Just today she pulled herself into the standing position. It wasn't very smooth or traditional, but it got the job done. Instead of going from being on both knees, to one knee and pushing up, she just straightens her knees and stands at a 45 degree angle on her tiptoes. I got a new baby gate that blocks off the stairs, it's really nice. It's the kind that swings open so I'm not crawling over it with a 23 pound baby. I had ordered a new TV stand, but it somehow got lost in shipping, so I'm still stuck with Lorelei hauling ass to the DVD player to try and figure out how it works. When I know she's playing with it, I say "No, no, Lorelei." She looks over her shoulder, does a little yell thing, then when she sees me coming for her she turns back to the DVD door and flips it really fast. Almost as if she's trying to get in all the playtime she can with it before I come and block it off again. Lorelei stared waving by holding her hand out palm up and making a fist, now, she looks like she's saluting Hitler! I hope she starts wiggling those fingers soon! I think she's starting to understand that I am "mama." She never makes the "mamama" noise when she's playing or anything, only when she comes up to me or I'm holding her. It's exciting!

For my birthday, Erick bought me a new computer. It's a new MacBook Pro. I'm very pleased with it! I'm going to send my old one to Erick's Grandma so she can stay in touch better. Especially when our new orders get carried out. We are going to Yokosuka, Japan! When Erick comes home, he has about a month left on his current ship, then he'll be going to a school down in Biloxi, Mississippi. It's four months long, so we'll all be going. We are still unsure if we want our stuff moved to MS and stored until they ship it to Japan, or if they can ship it over ahead of time. We probably won't be getting to Japan until March 2010, so it's a ways off, but I like to think ahead and make some sort of plan. It's looking like we won't be able to bring our cars over due to emission differences, so I'm thinking we either sell my car and store Erick's somewhere or just sell both. We had planned on getting a bigger car in a few years anyway when baby #2 comes along (which may or may not happen in Japan, it all depends on the dates we're there). I'm thinking it may be smarter to just sell both cars, that way we don't have any car payments and can save more money. Also, Erick doesn't want to be on a ship next sea duty rotation, so he's thinking of putting in for orders that are technically sea duty, but he wouldn't be on a ship. Some of these orders are in Europe, so we're hoping to go that route. And if that's the case, we wouldn't be back for Erick's car in a really long time. I'm really excited about leaving the country.

For those of you who know me really well, you know that it has been my dream to travel since I knew there was more than just Minnesota. Now I FINALLY get that chance! After several unfulfilled promises from someone close to me, it's happening without her. That's just fine, she doesn't seem to know how her actions have affected me. She has several other people that are obviously more worthy of real promises than I am. I try not to think about it too much because it breaks my heart to think that and I don't like thinking that it could happen to my children. Promises are not meant to be broken, and I hope Lorelei never gets lead on then let down by a loved one. Mom told me not to depend on others to make my dreams come true, which is really good advice that I wish I had gotten earlier. I'll be sure to pass it on to Lorelei. But it's funny, because I do depend on Erick to get me the hell out of here and he has done just that. Just when I thought I couldn't love him more, he follows through faster than anyone in my life so far. It may have something to do with him wanting to travel, too. So now I need to make new dreams that I can make come true. If I get to Europe, wonderful! If I don't, it's my own fault for not being more proactive. But now I find myself at a loss. Trying to come up with dreams for myself is difficult. All I can think of is my hopes and dreams for Lorelei. I don't know what to do now. Going back to school and focusing on German seems out of my grasp since most places we can go don't offer German anywhere. So now what? Mom had said something about teaching English as a Second Language, and yes I am a grammarnazi, but that's not what I'm passionate about. I have too many interests to just pick one. Honestly, when I think of a job that I would truly enjoy, all that comes to mind is something in the funeral services area. Whether it be an embalmer, funeral coordinator, the person who does the make up and hair. Just something. But I think I may be allergic to formaldehyde. So now what? I realize it sound macabre, but I guess that's me. Macabre, cynical, and lost. I think I should just stay a stay at home mom. I seem to be fairly good at that!